I had an intimate discussion with a certain
woman recently and she told me her husband was involved in a motor accident
that left him paralyzed and he could no longer have sex with her. She said she
loved the man so could not afford to cheat on him but at the same time,
wondered if she could stay without sex for the rest of her life.
I reminded this woman that there are two
types of sex: Partner and solo sex. “If you cannot have sex with your husband,
what stops you from having sex with yourself?” I asked her.
She was confused at first and I had to
break it down for her and eventually, she realized I was talking about
masturbation.
Like most people, she had masturbated
before but in her case, she always feels guilty about it. She grew up as a
church girl with the “masturbation is a sin” mantra preached by the church
fully entrenched in her subconscious. But I made her realize that masturbation
was designed by nature as an alternative to partner sex and where that had
become impossible as in her present situation, masturbation was the obvious way
out. It is politically correct in all ramifications and that the Bible did not
in portion mention masturbation as a bad thing or “sin” as evangelicals would
want us to believe.
“But it cannot be like the real sex,” she
said at last.
“It can be like the real sex if not
better,” I told her. “It all depends on your state of mind and what you do when
you masturbate. In fact, many women will tell you they don’t have orgasm from
sex but they always do when they masturbate. Yes, you may not have the
body-to-body intimacy as well as the sweet talks that you get from sex with a partner,
but masturbation has its advantages as well. It can be very intense and tends
to be sweeter for most women.”
I further advised this woman to get her husband
involved in masturbation. This I said would serve two purposes. First, it would
make her feel less guilty about masturbating and secondly, it will reintroduce
sexual intimacy to their marriage. “Sexuality is not all about the penis
penetrating the vagina,” I told her. “Sexuality is far broader than that. The
fact that your husband is physically challenged does not mean it is over for
him sexually. There is sex beyond penetration. You can have a rewarding session
of mutual masturbation where he masturbates you with his hands or tongue while
you do same to his organs. A lot of men with spinal cord injury or on
wheelchair for other reasons can still have a partial erection that enables
them to masturbate especially when a woman is helping them out.”
I suggested other things to the woman that
she and her husband can do together in bed and more importantly, how different
types of sex toys can be of help to them.
She was really impressed with everything I
told her and perhaps for the first time since her husband had the accident, it
occurred to her that all was not lost as far as sexual intimacy between her and
her husband was concerned. She promised to do all that I advised and give me feedback.
I have not heard from the lady but I am
sure the feedback will be positive. Handled properly, the husband will feel
wanted and not abandoned. He will be reassured of his wife’s fidelity and love.
Believe me, such positive energy springing from the man will not only help their
relationship but provide the building blocks for his healing process.
