INFIDELITY: WHEN TO FORGIVE AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

I got a rude shock couple of days ago when news of the breakup of one of my friend’s marriage got to me. The wife had gone to court for the dissolution of their five years marriage. I couldn't reach my friend or his estranged wife but I got through to a mutual friend who lives close to them. From him, I learned that my friend’s wife claimed she caught my friend with another woman and she was not ready to forgive or forget his infidelity. She decided to end the marriage.

My friend’s case is not an isolated one because infidelity is a major issue in today’s marriage. Globally, it is said to be the main cause of the breakup of most marriages. There is also strong evidence that men are often the guilty party in marital infidelity and women are left in a quagmire whether to live with it or not. But should a woman head for divorce the moment she discovers her husband’s infidelity? Should the marriage come to an end because the man banged another pussy?

Women should know that there is a difference between a married man who is having an affair and a married man who is having casual sex or flicks for the fun of it. A woman whose husband is having an affair should be more worried than a woman whose husband is having flicks with other women for sex’s sake. Am I getting you confused here? Well, just read on and you will get my drift.

Men by their nature are promiscuous. Biology, Nature and society appear to be in support of that. The instinct is always there in men to mate and their libido on the average is higher than those of women. Besides, the average man can have sex for the fun of it without any emotions attached. What is more, his body is designed to be able to mate anywhere, any time and for whatever reason.

Women on the contrary have a lot of emotions attached to sex. Except prostitutes who do it for money, the average woman needs some justification for sex. (Note that I keep using the word “average” because I’m talking of general rules here to which I’m aware there are a number of exceptions.) Moving on, the average woman needs some level of emotional attachment before she can have sex with a man. The man must meet certain criteria and standards already set in her subconscious. She wants to know for instance, if the man really loves her as he claims or he is only trying to use her. She wants to find out if sleeping with him is politically correct or not. What would people say? What would my children think of me? What would happen to my marriage if I’m caught? Etc.

The average man rarely considers any of these. His animal instinct for sex seems higher than that of a woman and rational considerations like the ones above are hardly any cause of concern to him. A hole is a hole as far as he is concerned and he can sow his seeds wildly without any sense of commitment or recourse to emotional feelings.

It is therefore necessary for our womenfolk to understand this aspect of men and overlook some of their actions. We could save a lot of marriages if our women are conscious of the sexual nature of men and be ready to take them for whom they are and forgive them.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to endorse infidelity by men but whether we like it or not, men will be men. If you’re going to end that marriage because he cheated on you, you might just end up being a serial divorcee! Reason is that the next man you hook up with could even be worse and society is not going to be fair enough to find out why you got divorced once, twice or more. All they know is that you have divorced several times and there is a stigma attached to that.

Bottom line is if your husband is just having flicks and not affairs, you should overlook them and develop some measure of thick skin to them in the interest of the marriage.

And that takes me back to the meaning of “having an affair” and “just having fun.”  A married man who is having an affair is a man who has another woman outside that he is committed to. The key word here is committed. He sees the woman regularly, provides for her financially and maybe along the line gets her pregnant and starts having another family with her.  

An affair of this nature is always a threat to a marriage. This is the type that should worry a married woman and the type that needs to be seriously addressed before it gets out of hand.

On the other hand, a married woman whose husband has a high libido and is having flings here and there for instance with campus girls and similar hustlers, should not give the woman sleepless nights. No one is going to take her place. In most cases, such men love their wife and family. He is only trying to satisfy a biological need by fucking around with those small girls. He is not and cannot be committed to them. He will not go home to them; his wife is the one he will go home to. He is not in love with them and will never bring them home to destroy his family. He loves his wife and family not those small girls he fucks outside. Remember, men can fuck without love. They don’t have to love somebody to sleep with her. That is the nature of men, so don’t go about asking: “If he loves me, why is he sleeping with another woman?” Sex is not = to love in a man’s world. It is all about quenching a biological thirst. This is one bitter truth I’m sure your mom didn’t tell you.

Men are visual beings and are easily aroused by what they see. With all the sexual images around and hot, sexy ladies tempting them with their hot bodies all over the place, men have got to be men. It is pure lust and physical gratification that they are exhibiting and nothing else. A man’s love for his wife and family is what will endure at the end of the day. So ladies don’t break that marriage and jeopardize the future of your family because of your man’s irrepressible third leg. You can save that marriage with some dose of patience and forgiveness. Your mother did it hence her marriage lasted.  

Let me state again that I’m not trying to encourage male philandering. Infidelity in whatever form it takes has implications for a man’s finance, health and otherwise and it affects the entire family on the long run. However, we need to face reality. These things happen whether we like it or not and we need a realistic approach to them. A lady once asked me if men forgive in similar circumstances. “A man will not hesitate to throw the woman out if she is the one that cheated. So why would I overlook his own infidelity?” she queried.

Well, it sounds logical but I’m sorry to say, it’s still a man’s world and not all is fair in a man’s world. Reality check indicates that forgiving his casual flings especially when he shows remorse pays more than breaking the marriage. There is even no guarantee that you’re going to get a saint in your second timeout or would you?

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